Last week, I sat at the computer and attempted to write a blog. I couldn’t. Fear and vulnerability were rampant throughout my body and mind and writing wasn’t helping. In fact, each time I began to write I realized that whatever it was I was going to say was stuck in my throat. It didn’t seem to resonate with me so how would it resonate with others? It wasn’t genuine, I would have been making it up to write instead of giving what I have for so long, a glimpse into me.
Over the 6 years I have been writing this blog, I have tried to use my healing journey and my evolution as a way to help others evolve on their journey. I have used my personal experiences and my personal revelations as a way to give others words, tools and a virtual hug. My purpose has been to showcase that healing is messy, evolving as a person is messy, but through the mess is something so much more beautiful than the life we drudge through daily. By evolving and growing, elevating our vibration, and living more authentically, we become happier in our skin, happier in our life and we leave things (people, situations, places) behind that no longer serve us. I have hoped through my journey, I have inspired others to actually allow themselves that healing journey, to look inside and see what can be released, healed or made better.
It is hard to do that when things around you feel unsettled. It is hard to inspire others when you are feeling so fearful in the moment. I sat down last night to write. I got through 2 paragraphs and realized that the story I began to write was going to sound lame. It was going to sound like I was tooting my horn about being present and allowing someone to be heard. That isn’t what I wanted so I scrapped that and went to bed. When I awoke today, I decided to be honest. I do not feel very inspiring right now. Now, don’t get me wrong, for the most part things are going well. My business is shifting and I like where it is heading. I feel great physically in my body, working out to strengthen my body and eating lighter and healthier to lose the stubborn weight. My meditation practice continues to allow me to go inward and find my true self.
I feel physically vulnerable and fearful right now which is wreaking havoc on my sleep patterns and my sense of safety. I had a scary, uncomfortable event occur 2 weeks ago and that has left me unsettled. It is a frightening time when you walk outside with your 90 pound dog at 9pm with a knife in your hand, but that is what I do. But it isn’t the physical fear that has me stuck. It is what this triggered for me that has me stuck.
I am generally not a lonely person. I like my time alone, I enjoy the opportunity to create my own life. I also enjoy more than anything that I can do whatever I want, when I want. This situation that occurred, triggered the “I am alone in the world,” fear and that scab got ripped off. That idea that I will die alone. That idea that there really isn’t anyone in the world who is my person, who I can truly count on. That isn’t to say there aren’t people in my life who love me and would be there for me if I asked. But I am not the number one concern of anyone. I used to be when my folks were alive, I used to be when I was married (at least for part of the marriage!). I am not anymore and most times that is just what it is. I can deal with it. This event triggered the part of me that longs for someone to be there just for me. Someone who checks in, who ensures I am always okay and safe, who takes care of me.
I am very capable of taking care of myself, I am quite the independent woman. However, having someone who is there to care for me when I need caring for has been elusive. That is what got triggered for me. That I am alone in the world when it all comes down to it. People all have their own families. I do not. I have family, but I do not have MY family. And I cannot change that, all I can do is look at it, continue to work on me and move on. So much easier to say than to do. So much easier to judge me than to accept that this life is about me being there for others and not for someone to be there for me.
I had to really look at this open wound over the last 24 hours and remind myself that I have healed this before. What is the deeper truth that this is trying to show me? I am not sure as of yet, although I keep feeling as if I need to keep the faith. I need to remember that the universe always has my back. That faith in the universe is what will guide me and allow me to move forward. Keep the faith. Faith in the universe. Faith in myself. Faith in others. Faith that all works out to my highest good and that this step back in the cha-cha of life is to reignite that faith.
We all get triggered and find that things pop up that we thought we healed. When it pops up, we can either focus on the hurt and fear or we can look at it and figure out what it is trying to teach us. Through this process, we must remember to be gentle with ourselves, not to judge us harshly, not to focus on where we thought we were in our journey but to remember that all journeys have a side-step and a back-step in order to propel forward. This was my back-step. Now to move forward.
Keep the faith.