Kill the Fear

Their friendship spanned almost 40 years with the last 20 never being as close as the first. They kept tabs on each other and saw each other every now and again, but this was different. They were conspiring to scare someone. For reasons that she couldn’t explain they were working together to create an accident scenario so he would no longer be able to bother them. The snuck into the restricted area, as if they knew what they were doing, and played around with the equipment enough to create a more dangerous accident than either expected, or had thought of. They just wanted to scare him, not kill him. When they heard that he died the fear of repercussions snuck into their psyche. As she comforted his friend, her mind raced with thoughts of prison, she knew she wasn’t tough enough to last in a prison, nobody could ever find out that they were behind this accident. They were bonded forever. The fear of prison rang through her head, causing her to retreat and to think of every way to get out of this mess if caught. The sweat was starting to bead on her lip and forehead as she saw the police looking at the equipment. She heard someone say they think they got a print off of something and that point she panicked, and left the area as if she was distraught, jumping into her car with her heart racing, she knew she had to run.
Just then I woke up! What a crazy dream that was? I would never try to kill someone. I don’t even know who that was that we killed in this nightmare. And why was I conspiring with my friend who I don’t see that much, yet we talked in the dream as if we see each other every day. There was sweat pouring off of me and my heart was palpitating. Why would I dream of killing someone I don’t know? Why would this friend be in the dream? Who was I comforting?
This dream gnawed at me for a few days, playing one or two scenes over and over again in my minds’ eye. I finally had to start to interpret it as it drove me crazy. I couldn’t just chalk it up to television or whatever I was reading, it felt heavier than that.
Dreams are never reality; the actions that occur in dreams shouldn’t be taken literally. They have a meaning in your subconscious and unconscious that can help you figure out what is truly on your mind. Interpretations can help you understand your deepest thoughts and emotions so that you can take action if needed based upon more than your conscious awake thoughts. In this case, killing someone is usually symbolic of getting rid of something. The person you are killing represents something in you. Carl Jung, the psychologist, believed that “we dream almost exclusively of ourselves.” So in killing dreams, the killer and the killed, as well as the act of killing represents aspects of the dreamer’s psychic life.
Once I read that I started to think about the dream more to figure out what it was in the person that I was trying to kill off. I remembered that just before we rigged the equipment, which I wouldn’t know how to do if my life depended on it, I’m no MacGyver, and that we were talking about him getting in the way of my relationship with the friend. He was needy and my friend liked to save people. He was weak, which made my friend spend time and energy on him versus me. He was always afraid to try out something new.
AS I reflected on this and thought about what was happening in my life, I realized that this could be about my fears moving into the unknown. I’m fearful that I will fail in my new ventures and not be able to help people the way I want. I am fearful of being alone the rest of my life and cannot seem to take that step from putting a profile on a dating website to actually talking to someone and going on a date. I’m fearful of all that is happening in the world and what that means to us as a human race. I’m fearful of my dad’s age and losing him at some point. I’m fearful of being one of those people whose body isn’t found for a week because nobody really checks on me. I’m fearful that my neediness over the past year as I was in the depth of grief has chased away some friendships. I’m fearful that I will never be loved the way I know I can love.
Wow. I didn’t realize how much fear I was harboring, or allowing festering. Living in fear is never living. It keeps us from doing things that make life worth living. And it never keeps us in the now, it is always about past or future, the now is where peace and happiness reside.
I sat back and realized that I needed to shed all of these fears, whether they are real or imagined, they are keeping me from living fully. The dream helped me to see all that was hiding under the surface and all that I needed to face head on.
This journey never ends. The growth and learning is constant if you pay attention to it. This dream sat in my mind and my gut and I knew I needed to think about it. Not all dreams do that for me and I very often don’t remember my dreams. This was different. Now I know I need to spend time really figuring out the reality of these fears, and ridding myself of this constant influx of “I can’t”, “nobody will” and “I’m not enough.”
It is time to kill these fears, and move into a place of consistent love and confidence. I can do anything I want, and I will. No more fears!

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