A few weeks back I wrote a blog called “A Masterpiece and a Work in Progress.” That particular post focused on how we have deeper layers of healing to do and we can be great and a work in progress at the same time. This piece shared how emotions were on the surface and I was struggling. It was very raw. Then I read this:
No matter how you feel, Get up, Dress up, Show up, and never Give Up!
I believe this is attributed to Elizabeth Taylor, but I am not entirely sure.
The last few months have been tough on me, a lot of feelings, a lot of confusion and a lot of enlightenment. This quote now feels like it is right. I have to forget how I feel, show up and push forward. I need to kick ass. The proverbial “put on your big girl panties and take on the world” attitude. And I know I can do that. I’m starting to get my confidence back; I don’t know what shook it so hard. But I know I need to get up. I need to stop focusing on the negative. I need to move forward. I need to let go, ah that theme again.
I have especially noticed my patience thin. I get frustrated more easily, and aggravated by silly things. This has come out both at work and home. And on the road! My road rage has amplified over the last few months where I find myself yelling in my car at the stupidity of the world behind the wheel of their cars. Now I know not everyone is a bad driver, but when you drive 2 ½ hours each way every week for your job you encounter a lot of different types of drivers. Most really aren’t very good or considerate of others on the road. The number of people who drive in the left lane and then don’t even go with the traffic (everyone speeds at 5 am but you have to keep up!) has caused me a lot of angst lately. I yell. I tailgate. All things I used to get aggravated over when my Ex did it! Now I’m him behind the wheel of the car, changing lanes and giving people dirty looks as I pass them. So not my personality and yet, there it is. All that frustration, all that anger, all that fear simmering at the surface and coming out in all different ways.
This past week I soul searched. I thought a lot about how I have been feeling and why. I focused on moving forward a lot, and changing my attitude toward work, home and life for that matter. I realize I got caught up in a few things.
I didn’t spend as much time with some of my closest friends and my family this summer. I felt isolated at times and, quite frankly, I isolated myself sometimes. I started to think that nobody wanted me around, that I wasn’t important. Of course I wasn’t making anyone else important either. That was all bothering me and I have been letting it create stories in my head. This was an ah-ha moment during my soul searching, that it wasn’t them, it was me. I isolated myself.
I also realized that felt alone at work, with pressure to move my organization forward and not feeling like it was moving. I lost some confidence in my abilities, which just manifests itself in second guessing everything. I allowed all those stories about not being good enough come back to haunt me.
Being single in this world sometimes is a God send and sometimes is the loneliest place to be. I know the lack of having someone to “play” with this summer, go on road trips, and just have fun bothered me. I felt unimportant. Did I do anything about it? No. Well, actually I did put myself back on Match.com, so that perhaps I could have a few dates over the summer. I haven’t. I can’t even tell you how much I dislike this entire online dating thing! Superficial at best and definitely makes me feel even worse about myself. I reach out, nothing back. The people who reach out to me, I would never date. It’s eroding my confidence even more right now.
So after understanding all that is bothering me, I say again, “Get up, Dress up, Show up and never Give up!” And that is what I am doing. No more woe is me. No more judging Suzy. No more. I have reframed some of what I have felt and am thinking a bit clearer.
But this has been a struggle. You know what that means. Growth is coming! I’m up, I’m dressed and I’m going to power through! Never give up!