She Fell in Love…

She Fell in Love….

With no one to fall on.  The first time I heard that line from that song I thought “Oh my that’s me.”  I can still picture the CD cover for the band, Frostbite.  Black with red on it, and the Frostbite name in ice along the top. Jack (yes Frost) was the lead guitarist and leader of the band and Neanderthal  looking in a way. He was loud and in some weird way to me sexy as hell. He had long hair, and a lot of it. He was completely sleeved on both arms with everything from hearts to Captain America tattooed on him. Man could he shred a guitar. And that mesmerized me. His “need” for me was mesmerizing as well. From talking on the phone to hanging out together, I felt needed. I felt like he cared about me.

I absolutely fell with no one to fall on. Jack had a girlfriend, he had a daughter, he wasn’t interested in anything else. But I thought he was, so I fell with no one to fall on. We had sex. When he fought with his girlfriend, I was called. When his mom was hospitalized, he called me so I would visit her. When I went on vacation, he took care of replacing the radio in my car. He pretended to be there for me to fall on, but he never was. That song resonated with me and at times I thought he wrote it because of me. I don’t think he did but I sometimes wondered.  He used me. He used me like I allowed so many to use me. He used my friendship and my feelings for him to have sex. He used my friendship and feelings to convince me to help produce music. I never saw that money again. And I was strung along to a degree. But he was never really there for me. When my brother died, I couldn’t even get hold of him to tell him. I felt betrayed.

Naïve? Maybe. Insecure? Perhaps.  Didn’t love myself? Definitely.  I needed others love to feel loved. I needed a man to love me to feel loved. And although I have made strides and have healed a lot of these wounds, I sometimes still fall into these patterns.  I don’t feel loved, and I don’t seem to love myself.

I’ve been feeling a bit of that lately. So much going on in so many of my friends lives and mine that I’m feeling a bit lonely, a bit overwhelmed. That always seems to translate to feeling unloved for me. Now, of course, the good news is I recognize it and now need to care for me more.

I am very aware that there is no bigger love than yourself. And you will never attract love without loving yourself. And no, I’m not doing my death spiral and going “dark” as some call it. But I recognize that I wasn’t caring for me at all.  I wasn’t loving me. I was beginning to pick on everything about me, from how I am feeling at work, to the knee problem which is causing the lack of working out so my body feels out of whack. I haven’t gained weight but I’m soft due to not working out so my clothes aren’t fitting right. It’s a complete circle! And I am finding that as soon as I feel bad physically, I feel worse emotionally. I pick on me, I make fun of me, I judge me and I don’t love me.

She needs to fall in love with herself more. She needs to begin recognize that she is strong, beautiful and full of love and stop needing to fall on someone.

She fell in love….