Spring has sprung. The trees are budding, the birds are singing and the sound of lawn mowers are beginning to fill the air. The air is heavier and the sun a bit warmer. More windows are open in the house with a beautiful breeze filling each room, removing the stuffiness of the winter heat. Coats are hung in the closet and short sleeves and slip on shoes are adorning those who are out and about. It is a beautiful time of year, filled with renewed hope and a rebirth of spirit.
As spring begins to unfold, the thought of renewal fills my head. What bogged me down in the winter that I need to shed, release or reframe? What thoughts clouded my head when too much time was spent indoors? What are the cobwebs that need to be cleaned out? Spring cleaning is important to our homes, as well as our hearts and our heads. The winter allows us to nest, to stay indoors and crawl into ourselves. We don’t need an excuse to stay home, it is cold, icy and dark all too early in the day. It is easy to isolate ourselves in winter. Spring doesn’t allow for that any longer. The sun, the bright sky, calls us to step outside and open up to the warmth.
What “truths” have we told ourselves this winter that we need to reframe, or see for what they are, our own story? As I begin to think about what I want to reframe, release, or let go of from the winter I realize it is part of the old story of being lovable. If I were more lovable, would I still be alone? I know I am loved. I am loved by family. I am loved by friends. I get that. But as I think about what has been missing for me, it is that intimate love, the love of the one person who has your back at all times. And it isn’t as though I don’t realize that there are challenges to being in a loving partnership, I have been there. As I come out of this winter where I was open to finding love for the first time in a long time, and didn’t, I realize that I may need to reframe what I want out of loving relationship. I don’t need someone in my life, I want someone in my life. I move from a desperate feeling of need to a loving feeling of wanting to share.
I have begun to realize I miss some things in my life by being alone, that are important to me.
I miss holding hands with someone. I miss that feeling of knowing that there is always someone who knows where I am, and is worried if they don’t hear from me. I miss having coffee at 6 am with someone else. I miss giggling in the night. I miss long, deep romantic kisses. I miss someone holding me so tight because they don’t want to ever let go. I actually miss being accountable to someone else, having someone call me out on my shit. I miss making decisions with someone else, where it isn’t all on my shoulders, and I have another perspective that I know has my best interests at heart. I miss having someone who looks at me the way my Charlie looks at me, with unconditional love in his eyes. I get that humans aren’t generally good at unconditional love unless it is parent to child, but I want close to that. I want someone who sees all of my imperfections and thinks, “she’s perfect anyway.”
As we remove the winter doldrums and begin to uncover our bodies for spring and summer, I need to uncover my heart and open it wider. I do miss all of these things, but I can’t sit back and wallow in pity for being alone at this point in my life. I need to focus on what I have already.
I have a loving family who is there for me when I need them. I have friends who check in on my and friends who I know care. I have a life that I enjoy and that I can say I built myself. I have freedom to do what I want, when I want. I have a business I am building that I enjoy and a career that I loved for 35 years. I have a place to live that I love, with the music of nature filling my home when the windows are open.
I am grateful for all that I have. As I spring clean my thoughts I move from need to want. By understanding that I don’t need an intimate relationship but know what I want out of one, the desperation and despair that I felt goes away. During this full moon, I spent some time focused on what I needed to let go of and what I needed to embrace. I let go of need, of desperate pleads to someone who is no longer interested in loving me. I let go of control of the situation and focus on more on letting things flow. I cannot force someone to feel something that they don’t, I cannot force myself to feel something that I don’t either. I embrace being in the flow, allowing things to come and go the way they are supposed to. I embrace doing the work to clear my heart of negativity so that I attract what I want in life.
Spring has sprung. Time to shed the old and embrace the new!