She came to see me in my office after a suggestion from her manager. I sat at dinner with her manager and she shared some of the struggles this woman was having; anxiety, perhaps depression. As she shared with me, I shared my story. The manager asked if I would be willing to meet with her which of course was a yes.
We began to talk. Her eyes filled with tears as she explained some of the things going on in her life, and then she shared the impact on her personally. As I listened I could feel the lump in my throat build. How do smart, beautiful, loving people end up thinking they are worthless? Why do we give others power to influence how we feel about ourselves? What causes us to beat ourselves up which then worsens when people around us treat us poorly?
She was looking for coping mechanisms. I wanted to help her begin to heal. We spent some time together and I shared some of my story with her. I was more open than even I expected me to be at that moment. As I shared some details of my journey with depression and the healing that has occurred, it became obvious that it was resonating with her. I watched her eyes change from sad to less lonely, a little sparkle as she smiled at me.
Being open about my depression is at times cathartic and at times frightening. I have fears that people will treat me differently, avoid me. I realize, intellectually, that the people who matter, would never. But self- doubt is never far away. Loss of confidence is never too far away. Those are triggers for me.
Negative self- talk is always at the root of self-doubt or loss of confidence. And that ol’ self- fulfilling prophecy is so freaking true! If you think it, it happens. Good and Bad! Negative self- talk wreaks havoc on you, breaking you down, telling you how unimportant you are.
Working on changing that to positive self- talk took me a long time. You know, I still have post-it notes on my bathroom mirror! Some are the originals from about 4 or 5 years ago when I was really focused on this. Every so often you lose your way and have to re-read them or re-write them.
I shared this and other tools with her during our time together. We hugged as she left my office and I sat down by my computer. I had to sit there for a moment. Take in what just happened. With all that is happening in my life right now, I actually needed that time with her as well. Saying all of that out loud made me realize that I needed to heal a few things. I needed to be more positive. I was feeling overwhelmed and starting to doubt myself. My physical pain from this knee was beginning to take its toll on my, causing me to be ornery and sad.
I came home that evening and reviewed my notes from my a session with my intuitive healer. One of the biggest revelations was that I was still telling myself the same story, fear of being alone when I am old and this physical stuff takes over. I have to let that story go, I have to let emotions go. That is where I am similar to my father, who has the knee problems. Yep, it’s all connected!
I received a beautiful email from her later that day and was so happy to validate that she took some things away from the time. I let her know that I had as well.
My time helping this employee also helped me. My knee felt better today than it has, and I am pushing through the little pain and soreness I have, but following all the instructions! I asked for help finally to try to reduce the overwhelmed part, and had a good cry.
Telling my story always helps me. This week it helped me heal something I wasn’t aware I had to heal.