“Thank you for allowing us to get to know the real you better! It is very brave of you! I think most people are too afraid to be vulnerable, even to themselves!” The text from the second person read, “You wrote what was in your heart and soul. Yes, some people will know you more intimately than you may like. But, so many people go through exactly what you experienced and need to hear and learn from your writings. And it is good writing, to boot!!”
As I read these two texts I began to feel a little better, although my fears and apprehensions were everywhere right now. I felt as if I was standing in the middle of a football field with 90,000 people staring at me and I was stark naked. Why did I do this? Why did I decide to take something that only a few really read and share it broadly? Why would I let people see inside of me, understand my weaknesses and wounds and most importantly put myself out there for all to judge?
These feelings have crept up on me like my cat does to the birds outside. Slowly I started to feel this heat rise in my body, how will I ever face people again? I’m a wreck, why would I want people to see that and judge that? I am filled with shame for some of what I have done and some of what I have lost. I feel judged daily for being divorced twice, for being overweight and not being able to get that under control. I feel judged every minute.
Of course, my rational brain reminded me that those judgements are mine. That shame is mine. Nobody is actually making me feel that way, that is my doing. Oh yes, there are some around me who don’t understand me and therefore I sometimes feel that they are judging, but again that is me.
I also know there are people concerned that this is now a book, where everyone may see the issue that was caused, may see them in my writing. That is understandable and I respect those feelings. The writings in my blog and now in my book are truly my perspective and may not be real, may not be true and certainly may be different than what others feel. I completely respect that. These are my demons, my wounds and my healing.
Back to being naked! These feelings have filled me all week, concerned with what may be said or thought about me.
I was speaking to a coach of mine this week about how I was feeling, the fear that was rearing its ugly head, the gremlin of I am not worthy right in front me. That conversation helped me to really think about why I wanted to publish my blog more broadly.
It is part of my larger purpose. If one person gets something out of my writing, if one person sees themselves and sees what is possible then I have fulfilled my purpose. I have always had spunk, and have spoken my mind. I know I have courage to speak the truth, my truth. This book is my truth. I hope that this book resonates with people and allows them to begin to speak their truth. By speaking our truth we begin to live a more authentic life, a life of love and peace over fear and worry.
So am I still on that football field stark naked? YES! But I care just a little bit less now. If all that can be seen is my cellulite and rolls so be it. I hope that most will see my heart, my love and care. I am stripped naked so that others may not need to be or decide they want to be. I am stripped naked so that I can help others with their wounds, no matter how big or how small, we all have wounds.
Stripped naked, with my courage and my heart as my armor.