“Why would you treat me this way? I thought you cared about me. Everything you said to me was a lie.”
Fingers moving at lightning speed on the key board firing off text after text. Words, words that weren’t nice, that were accusatory and stung were being written and sent in an onslaught of anger. Judgements about why it was happening, what was happening and the facts as interpreted were being slung at a silent partner. All happening in about a five minute time frame; anger, hurt, frustration, victimization and powerless, those were the feelings that were emerging during the rant.
Powerless. Victim. Two words I didn’t think would ever be in my thoughts about me again. And there they were, bright as day! All triggered by one person, me. Although at the time I thought they were because of someone else’s behavior. What I realized as I breathed and started to think about what I wrote was that the tirade was about me, my story, my assumptions, and my interpretation of what was happening. All triggered by my inner critic reminding me that I am not lovable. Repeating those words that were said to me so long ago and have had an indelible impact on my story. I thought this changed, I thought I dealt with this critique, but here it was in my face saying “Nanananana, I’m back!”
This idea of being unlovable comes from a very deep seeded place in my heart and one that I thought I had conquered. Every so often it rears its ugly head and reminds me it may need another level of healing. This box that I have put myself in after so many let downs in my life is one that needs to be destroyed once and for all. It causes rants like this to take over; I become someone else who I don’t like.
We often give away our power, many times unconsciously. To take back that power we need to change our story. My story of being unlovable, which is about self-esteem and self-love, is an old one for me. It is the reason that I had such little faith in God for so long. It is why I, at one time, thought God was punishing me and that was the story I told myself. It took a friend one day to just look at me and say “not my God, He doesn’t punish, He is loving.” I never thought of God as loving when it came to me, I always thought that I betrayed God in some way and so he didn’t love me anymore, just like my husband no longer loved me. I was not lovable.
This story was triggered over the last few months and came to real head this week as I was ignored and therefore felt unloved and uncared for by someone; someone who I cared for very much, although by my ranting nasty text you would never know that. I realize that I haven’t handled this well, I came out of the corner just swinging like a prize fighter with their eyes closed. I am just going to swing with all my might, I will land a few punches and feel better. Certainly not the most mature way to handle and not an evolved way either. I was stuck in a catabolic energy level so low that it was all about blame and who was going to win and who was going to lose.
The universe, once again showed me how it conspires to help you fully surrender and realize what and who you are. I woke up today and did my morning meditation. I have been following the 21 day meditation by Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey about shedding the weight, weight of all burdens not just physical. I missed a morning so I was on day 18 instead of 19. This day’s meditation was about taking back your power. As I listened to Deepak, I realized that I had once again given away my power to the belief that I am unlovable, which I thought I had conquered. This box is one I needed to release myself from and recognize that how someone is treating me is about them not me. I need to reject the cultural forces of winner/loser, lovable/unlovable, givers/takers and get rid of this box I have allowed myself to slip into yet again. This gives me the opportunity to write a new story, to shape the story I truly believe is me and not the one that I have been led to believe about me.
I need to choose who I want to be and be her. I cannot let the outside forces, the societal forces that I dislike so much to influence my belief about me. Those forces, you must be in a relationship to be validated as a woman and person, is a limiting belief that I have struggled with for a long time. Not being in a relationship does not make me unlovable. That belief needs to be let go of and replaced by one of faith.
Faith in me, faith in God and the universe and faith that the love I give will be given back to me. I am sorry for the rant that I placed on the back of someone I love, I am sorry for the fear that I allowed to live in my heart about being lovable.
Today, I start to take my power back. Today I recognize that this is my inner critic getting the best of me and I must change the story.
It is time for a new story, once and for all.