I just re-read last week’s blog. I don’t do that very often. I usually write, read and edit, and post. I rarely go back and re-read. But I needed to this week, I received more texts, emails, comments about last week’s blog than any previous ones. I wanted to experience that moment again and see what I felt. I smiled and cried as I re-read that post. I continue to see growth in me, in getting comfortable with who I am and who I want to be. I continue to lift myself up and grow.
Growth takes on a life of itself. It is so often two steps forward and one back but directionally moving forward. There are times that we all slip back into the person we were when we were in the midst of hurt, pain and being stuck. But we notice it or notice the triggers and move through it quickly, stop ourselves and at the very least don’t berate ourselves for being human! None of us are perfect. In fact I have a friend who always tells me “we are all fragile.” And then he’ll add, “we are all fucked up.” And he’s right. We are!
My ankle flared up again over the course of the last week. To the point that I wore sneakers to work and hobbled into our Chairman’s office for a meeting! At first I tried to focus on just the ankle and foot and why it happened again. I believe wearing flat unstructured shoes for over a week to nurse a twisted foot,( yes I am accident prone) was the issue. And that is surely what made it flare up, along with favoring it etc. But was it also another sign to slow down, to take stock and to sit back a little. Perhaps.
I nursed my ankle, a lot of ice, Epsom salt baths, ankle support and elevation, are daily routines. I cancelled plans for Friday and stayed home and off of it as much as possible. Similarly I did very little yesterday and do not plan to do much today! Swimming and floating in the pool seems to help. Of course that can help just about anything! Where is that pool boy when you really need him!?!
I decided to have a session with my energy and intuitive healer to help this along and release any energy blocks that are around. There is always something to release it seems! So on Friday we had our phone session. Although I won’t discuss all that comes up, certainly I will share the fact that I am truly at a point in my life where I need to bring more joy into my life. I have spent my career and much of my life helping others grow and the last few years I have really helped me grow. I have begun to make me more of a priority in my life. This came up in the session. I have to give myself permission to allow joy into my life more.
I have realized over the years the amount of pressure I have placed on me to excel at my career, help my friends, be there for whoever needed me, and focused on ensuring my family was together and ok. When we lost my brother, I threw myself into everything that would help the rest of the family. I spent a lot of time with my parents. I helped my sister-in-law with all the benefits and spent a lot of time with her and my nieces. I rarely focused on me, my grief and my healing. I didn’t really grieve for over a year. All of this sounds normal except for what was going on inside of me. I felt pressure to do all of this. I felt a sense of responsibility that I was the only one who could do all of this for members of my family. It was my role, my accountability.
That is what I am learning to release now. It is not my responsibility to take care of everyone and lift everyone else up. Yes that is who I am, that will not change as I am happiest when I see others grow. That is life to me! Help people and watch them grow! But I need to help without being so invested in it that it consumes me emotionally. It is not my sole responsibility.
From a career standpoint, my healer shared that I am there. That all I have worked for is being recognized. That comment was made 2 days after I hobbled into my very first meeting with the Chairman. I have certainly been in large scale meetings with him and I have been at sales conferences with him. He generally knows me. But this was 6 people sitting around a conference room table discussing culture, strategy and talent. I was asked to join the meeting the day before so I wasn’t exactly as prepared as I would like to be. However that didn’t matter. I know the organization and I know the leaders pretty well and can certainly speak coherently, most of the time! It was a great meeting and I felt good afterwards.
This was right in alignment with the healing. I am there, all I have worked for is being recognized.
I give a lot to many areas of my life. That very often means I am depleted. I am starting to ensure that I reenergize. I am starting to ensure that I give to myself as I give to others. And allow much more joy and pleasure into my life, reaping the reward of my hard work.
The ankle feels a lot better today, not normal but much better. One more day of real rest and I think I will be on the road to no hobbling, ice or Epsom salts or energy blocks!