“Courageous is the soul who looks deeper than the experience. What matters most is the awakening, not the experience itself.” ~Unknown
There have been times in my life when the awakening and learnings have been incredible. There have been times in my life when there didn’t feel like there was an awakening. There have been times in my life when the experience was so hard, I didn’t see or feel the awakening for a long time. But I agree that it takes courage to look inside. It takes courage to heal wounds and understand yourself to your core. I applaud you all who look within and work to heal so you truly are happy.
Sometimes it is a true experience in your life, the end of a relationship, a lost job, a death, a hurt so deep you don’t think you could ever recover. Sometimes it is just a reoccurrence of a pattern of behavior that is triggered by different events in your life that causes the awakening. You become ready to release the pattern, ready for completion.
I recently had two experiences that helped me to focus on releasing a pattern or behavior. Both focused on the same pattern. A pattern that I am ready to release as it doesn’t feel good anymore. I am independent. That is not going to change dramatically. But I have created a pattern over many years that has manifested into “I don’t need anyone’s help,” “Alone, I can do it!” “I am alone in this world because I’m not worthy of being a priority for anyone else.” This pattern of independence, not needing anyone and then rationalizing it as I’m not worthy causes a lot of pain for me, but I still seem to use this pattern a lot.
I have come to realize through working with my different guru’s that this really isn’t in alignment with who I really am. I love people (for the most part!) and like to bring them inward, toward my center. Yet I have put a wall up so nobody really gets in that deep. Much of that comes from being hurt, being let down and being made a fool; so why bother!
I have also realized that much of this comes from not having much faith. I don’t generally have faith in myself. I don’t generally have faith in others, been let down too many times. Most importantly, I need to find faith with God or the Universe. That may be the most damaged relationship that I need to heal. I wasn’t raised in a home that was born on faith. We were not religious, there weren’t teachings of prayer. Then the lack of faith was validated when difficult times arise. I spent over 2 decades believing that God was punishing me for something I did, versus understanding that I did the punishing. It took a friend saying, “not my God! My God doesn’t punish.” That made me pause.
All of this lack of faith causes me to be alone. Over the last 5 years or so I have noticed that there are many times when I am totally on the surface with others. I can be at the same party as someone else and the amount of information they may have gleaned from individuals is far deeper than what I have done. Why? Because they were willing to dig and share their deeper moments, I wasn’t. I would be the great American hostess, ensuring the food is all out, everyone has a drink and everyone is enjoying themselves, but I wasn’t really connecting with anyone. Very different from the person I am who tends to thrive on connection with people. I thought perhaps I was just changing, evolving and becoming less social. I am now realizing that this was all part of the pattern. Don’t get too close. Don’t let people in. Then they can’t hurt you.
Don’t get me wrong. There is a part of independence that I treasure. I can take care of me. I am financially stable and can do whatever I want with my life, money, etc. Yes, that financial independence has been incredibly empowering. But I also want companionship, partnership.
I also recognize that a lot of this is coming to the surface as I watch my mother decline in health and realize that my greatest purpose in life will be gone when my parents are gone. There are times that I think my parents really are all I have. They are the 2 people in the world who make me a priority. It’s funny because their behavior sometimes could drive this 53 woman up a wall! Each day there is the question, “where are you?” The fact that I drive to Connecticut each week scares my dad, as he doesn’t like the roads I am on. He sometimes forgets that I have been driving for 36 years and he taught me to be defensive behind the wheel of a car. If I miss one day calling, they each call me telling me the other one is concerned. As much as this sometimes drives me crazy, I love that they worry. I love that I am a priority as I don’t feel that way with anyone else in my life. And so my greatest fear when I lose them is not having anyone to care for and anyone to care for me. I am afraid of truly being alone in this world.
So all of this made me realize that I need to release this pattern. To start I think I need to repair my faith in God and the Universe. Now the fact that I see signs and they manifest themselves for me often should already repair my faith, but it is only the beginning. I need to create some rituals to help me continue to release this pattern and create faith in the universe, that it is working for my greater good.
I am beginning to do so through meditation. I have come up with a couple of intentions that I am beginning to meditate on. These are only 5 minute meditations, but important to helping me release these patterns and create a new pattern. So in these meditations I am asking for my desires of partnership with someone who accepts me 100% for me. I am releasing my lack of self- worth and my lack of faith. I am asking the universe to help me release this pattern and knock the wall down that keeps me from getting close.
This is my beginning to finding faith again, finding real love and healing a pattern that is now getting in my way of happiness. This is my awakening.