Sometimes, right before a big shift life can feel frustrating and overwhelming. The old feels too small and the new has yet to be born. If this is where you are, bless this moment. This is a sacred passage and has the potential to lead you somewhere beautiful
This quote represents those moments in life when we change, grow and move to a new place. This the storm that then takes you someplace different, someplace you were meant to be. It is when you see everything around you “blowing up” or feeling unsettled, you think there is a light at the end but you can’t get there. Everything seems to get in the way. Things you thought were going to work out did not, things you had hoped for, believed in weren’t showing up the way you thought. I remember during one of these times, my intuitive healing brilliant guru said to me, “ you need to remove the clutter to make space for the new.” I thought she was crazy. How do you remove clutter? Not junk, but people, emotions, situations that aren’t serving you any longer. I was clueless on how to do this. I think I still am to a degree, practicing it more and more though.
After she said that, I began to really think about what clutter was really in the way. I was in a relationship, if that is what you could call it, but neither of us were serious about each other. There were moments when we thought we were, but then we would each realize that it was more about companionship and fun than anything that would lift us higher, make us better. I knew that this relationship was keeping me from finding the love that was waiting for me. The love that I wanted and thought I deserved. I was ready for love again, so I thought.
To remove the clutter and to allow the space and therefore the energetic shift, I needed to be honest with the person and myself. I got honest with me quickly. I knew he wasn’t for me long term no matter how much fun we had together. He couldn’t go as deep on life as I needed. He didn’t really like to try new things, his idea of travel was to his brothers in South Jersey. He drank too much and smoked too much and didn’t really fill all of my needs. He was the one that filled space and time for me, that was all.
We got honest and moved on. Only about 6 weeks later I met the man I thought was everything I ever wanted. A year after I removed clutter I was getting married. I, of course, thought she was right, all I needed to do was make room. And I am sure that is true. My husband filled that space quickly and then some. There were so many moments that if I had thought about it then, I never would have married him. What I realize now is I so wanted what I thought everyone else had and saw how easy it could be with him that I ran to it open arms, open heart and open checkbook. I gave it my all.
He didn’t deserve my all and in the end, I hit rock bottom. I was in the deepest hole in my life, and understood at that moment that I had suffered from depression for over 25 years. I called it being self= deprecating and thought everyone had these doubts about themselves. I realized that hadn’t been the case. Most of my friends didn’t’ think they were unlovable or never good enough. Most of the people I knew thought I was confident and so loving, I was loving to most, I wasn’t loving to me.
When this marriage ended I was broken. I couldn’t see anything good. My life had blown up on me. I lost, or so I thought, the boys I loved. I lost the man I thought I was going to grow old with. I was again facing life alone. I wanted to hurt myself, end my life. Nothing felt good or right. I was at rock bottom. I was at this frustrating and overwhelming place where I couldn’t get out of my own way. I gained weight. I stopped living for a while.
Through help from professionals and my own journey, I came through it and began to live my life, the way I wanted to live it. I stopped being afraid of being made fun of for my sensitive nature, for my different thinking. I began to find my authentic self and really began to love me for me. I had friends who said some things during that time that hurt, I ignored. I didn’t harbor and get angry, I thought they don’t really know me, not this me.
That ugliness, that low point, that point of frustration and overwhelming occurred again in 2017. And as I move through the ugliness I can see the passage, I can see the light. I am starting to feel more me and not the person I became working 33 years in a corporate structure that forced me to be something I wasn’t at times. I see my authenticity. I feel myself. And I know that I am heading somewhere beautiful.