The ferocity of the sea paralleled the feelings in my soul. Unrest.
I could feel the sea spray on my skin with each crash of a wave on the jagged rocks below.
The scene reminded me of the many books and movies where the heroine decided the world was more cruel than the rolling deep and leapt to her demise. Was I that heroine? Was I beyond ending my pain? Was this pain so bad that I needed to end it?
I was so out of sorts. I felt alone and dark. Again, I wasn’t good enough. Again, I wasn’t enough.
As I walked along the passagiata listening to the roar of the water below, an Italian man probably in his 70’s caught my eye. He was wearing a lemon yellow jacket and wire rimmed glasses. Unlike many before him, he wore a smile and not a scowl. He looked at me. “Caio Bella!” he said as his face broke into a smile that was warm like sunshine. At that moment the weight of my evening woes, of my disappointment and anger were lifted.
He will never know how much I needed that. He will never know that on that dark morning, he shed light on me and kept me moving forward.
The sea was no longer ferocious.
I wrote this in October of 2014 in Italy. The scene was real. I learned someone I did not respect was promoted, I thought I deserved that as well if not more. I was disappointed and went to feelings of unworthiness, I wasn’t good enough. Again. This man helped me more than he will ever know. I was reminded at that moment that life was good, that I was good. I was more than this promotion and if I didn’t get it then there was something different that was to happen for me.
That was a crossroads moment for me as I look back on it. When I returned from Italy, my boss took me to lunch to discuss me and my next role. He began to talk to me about a role leading human resources for the largest business in the company. At first I balked. This business had less people than my current role, why would that be good for me? He began to discuss the importance of this business to overall enterprise, and the opportunity to make quite an impact. It took a few months for me to be convinced but I finally was and started in the role almost 2 years ago.
This has really been life changing for me in many ways. My leadership has been tested and I continue to grow as a leader. I raised my game a lot moving into this role. I have had to as it was not a business that embraced human resources as a partner, which is what I was so very used to.
I also have built incredible relationships that never would have occurred had I stayed where I was. I have met a few people who have truly changed my life. I was meant to be here and meet them and build incredible lifelong relationships with them.
Like all signs in my life, seeing this story tonight was fate. I was feeling lonely all week, very alone. I was feeling sorry for myself and placing blame for it instead of taking back my power, my voice. I needed this man again to remind me that life is good, that I am good. That I am good enough.
If you only knew how you help me…. My recent trip to Seattle to spend time with Mike was very disappointing… and a far cry from the magical time we had just a month earlier. And I put the blame on myself when in my heart I know he had something fucked up going on in HIS head. Can fill you in when I see you!!! Love you!! Karen
I am so glad I can help, I’m here, give a call. Love you.
Morning Suzy. It takes such courage to be “seen” the way you allow yourself to be seen. What a service to others who are going through or have gone through similar painful experiences. It helps ease the additional suffering of …. “I thought it was just me” syndrome. Hugs
Thank you June. This blog has been therapeutic for me and I hope inspiring for others. I appreciate you and your support more than you will ever know.