The Outside Looking In…

I continue to see this sentiment across social media, “Believe the actions,  not words. People make time for what is important to them.” This has resonated with me more recently.  I am doing the same thing that is bothering me. I am not making time for some things, saying no and staying home alone. There are those who don’t make time for me. They talk about it but don’t do it. I guess it works both ways.

I do not feel like a priority to anyone. I know I’m important to people, that isn’t it. But I’m not a priority to anyone. I am very much alone. And that hit me these last few days harder than ever. Maybe I was just more open to seeing it. But it was clear to me.

Perhaps I have expectations of friendships that I have to let go of. That is something I recognized. I was creating expectations and couldn’t. I need to just let things happen as they are supposed to and not expect anything. That even goes back to something my Mom once said, “Don’t ever think that all friends treat eachother the way you do.”

Every now and then I feel like I am observing my life and everyone else’s and not living it. I am on the outside looking in. I can see the surface of a lot of lives, but not really see deeply into to many. Today was one of those days. I didn’t speak to anyone today voice to voice or face to face. I communicated with a few via text message but that was it. I drove an hour and one-half to my shore house. I sat on the deck, ate lunch and relaxed. Packed up all of my personal belongings and left at 3. I was home by 5pm today. I still haven’t spoken with anyone. I cried a lot today. I’m not even sure I can articulate how I felt and why I was so teary other than I felt let down, by my own expectations. I was beating myself up too. I felt like an outsider today, uncomfortable

I was quietly sitting on my deck, somewhat meditating, listening to the ocean.  I was realizing that I couldn’t have these expectations. I had to focus more on what I did. I was beginning to feel a little better and along came a lady bug. It landed on my leg. It just sat there for a few seconds and then moved to the chair next to my leg. And the beautiful polka-dot lady bug sat there for about 2 minutes. The lady bug signified that I was ok. All was ok. After about 2 minutes, the lady bug flew off. I didn’t see any others while I was there.

It felt like some type of validation. I can’t explain it. But I feel a little better and realize that only I can change how I am reacting and how I am behaving. I am the one who controls how I live my life. I don’t want to be on the outside looking in anymore. I want to live my life filled with love and be a priority…to me.


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