This is Me…

The title of the article was enticing, “This is Me Finally Losing Interest.” It began by talking about finally understanding that taking too long to text back and putting minimal effort and not trying to be a part of someone’s life is not how you build a relationship or get to know someone. It delved into how being busy is no longer a viable excuse, that it is no longer about trying to figure your life out, it is who this person is, how they choose to be with certain people.

As I read the article, tears welled up in my eyes. The article moved to realizing what is deserved, realizing self worth, but it rekindled many of the feelings that I not only had with a certain man in my life, but two exes and ex-bosses. Those feelings of being a victim. A victim of circumstances.  A victim of people who focus on making you feel small, so they feel big. A victim of lovers who no longer love you but don’t want to tell you that, so they make you feel like you are less than, you are not good enough for them to love. You have something wrong with you, you are negative, you are controlling, you are “tough.” And these people prey on that so they don’t feel bad for their behavior.

I had a boss once who loved to make people feel as if they didn’t know as much as she did. She had to be right, the smartest person in the room. She would speak to you with this soft voice as if she cared and was compassionate but underneath that was a steel veneer that could care less about you. She didn’t want to be questioned, if you didn’t agree with her you were the next one to be victimized. She ensured she preyed on any weakness. Once she learned that I suffered from depression, I was no longer someone she wanted on her team. I was a weak link then. She used that to get others to agree that I was negative, I was “going dark” as one team member said. That term was used against me over and over again until I decided to leave. She pushed me into that spiral of questioning myself, of all of those feelings of not being good enough, of not being smart enough, strategic enough, decisive enough. She used everything to get to me out and she succeeded.

The difference however was that when I got out, it wasn’t in that dark spiral of victimhood. I had already dealt with that, it was my decision to not work somewhere that treated a 20 year employee as disposable. I left from a place of strength. I decided I didn’t want to be part of an organization that allowed her to damage people as she did.

Reading this article brought all of those feelings of inadequacy back It also brought with it the resilience that I have built. It reminded me that I am not that victim anymore. Those men, and lovers, had no control over my thinking anymore. I am not angry or frustrated anymore. I am not begging because I am afraid of being alone. I am not allowing myself to go dark. I am recognizing that I have moved from these places, I allowed those feelings to rise up, and then I let them go as they aren’t me anymore. I am nobody’s victim.

This is me finally accepting that I need more than some can give me and that is okay. This is me finally accepting that I am not a victim to anyone and I am good enough. I am better than good enough and the right person and people who see that and that love that will surround me.

This is me, loving my life without certain people in it anymore. This is me loving not being a victim to any one, to any negative thoughts and to the past.

This is me, nobody’s victim anymore.

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