This is the Start of Something Big…

I sat looking at the computer screen, a blank word document staring back at me. What do I want to say? Should I write it or just wing it? I know, write it…get ideas down on paper and think about the flow of what you want to say. That is my general way to put together any presentation. I laughed out loud, this wasn’t a presentation as much as a thank you and so long. After 21 years, I am retiring from Prudential. After 33 years I am leaving corporate Human Resources and corporate America and jumping into the unknown. It’s exciting! It’s thrilling! It’s scary as hell!
One of my most amazing coaches in life once shared with me that you just know when it is time to move on from the career you have had or the work you have been doing to start something different. Live more authentically. She was so very right. Over the course of 2017 I had pondered if it was time. When my mom passed away, it was crystalized. I knew. I knew it in my soul, it was my time.
SCARED AS HELL!! That is what keeps jumping up at me in between the “I’m so excited” and the “I can’t wait to do my thing!” So that fear is something I have been exploring as I prepare to dive headfirst into my own business. And I am finding that fear is deeply embedded in my psyche, something I need to heal.
Last night, I took a long, hot bubble bath, with lavender bath oil and lavender Epsom salt. I needed to relax and I needed to try to make my ankles feel better. My ache from tendonitis is pretty constant these days, it’s time to go to the doctor! As I lay in the tub, bubbles covering me and tickling my nose, I realized that the ankles were connected to my root chakra, one of the major energy centers of the human body. This chakra includes qualities such as grounding, stability and security, feelings that are being rocked for me right now.
As that realization hit me, I immediately placed my hands on my ankles, closed my eyes, and said a prayer. I kept my hands there, giving my body reiki energy. My right ankle seems to be more sore than my left and my right hand could feel that energy to the point of almost vibration. I don’t know how long I held my hands there, it felt like forever.
My ankles are still sore, just not quite as much. I have a feeling this will last a bit until my confidence is higher and faith in me stronger.
I also realized that doing this alone without a partner to support me brought up that sensitivity, to the point that I overreacted to my brother over an event. I knew I overreacted and let him know that. I also know I it is time to let go of the fear of being alone.
I am learning that fear is really ego taking over. I am fighting myself, every step of the way. I sometimes feel like I am in a paper bag, fighting to get out. All I am doing is flailing my arms and legs into the bag’s sides, never finding the opening to get out. When I fight myself, I am using my brain to feel instead of using my feelings. I think too much. Who else is an over-thinker? You sit there and analyze the crap out of something, without allowing yourself to just feel. Feel, then let it go.
That is what I am learning to do now. Feel and let it go. Take a walk, meditate, reiki, all the things that will help me release this fear and see the excitement alone. Instead of fear allow more love into the equation; love of me, love of the journey, love of whatever outcome will come.
My ankles are still sore, but certainly not as much. My heart is still heavy, but not as much. My fears are still there but I am not letting them take over. I am working to release what is no longer necessary, allowing space for all this new creativity coming my way.
Confidence and love, that is how I need to move forward, and far less fear.
Am I scared as hell? Yes. Am I excited? Yes. Am I learning and healing? Yes.
This is just the beginning…of something big!