“Pick 3 numbers for me between 1 and 44,” she said. The numbers were 9, 21 and 33. This was my angel card reading for 2018. I felt so many emotions simultaneously, excitement, fear, joy, worry. They all hit. As she reviewed the cards one by one we both were excited. The first Angel card is the context card, what is happening now, the angels guidance on what is opening up already. My first card was Joy. I laughed and she immediately asked why. “My middle name is Joy and joy is what I want more of.” She immediately let me know that this was already happening, joy was already surrounding me and opening up for me. We talked for a bit about what was going on with my life, as my retirement was only a week or so away and I was feeling joy about the decision. As I was leaving the corporate world, it felt like everything stressful was falling by the wayside and my joy was showing. I was being guided to love me and know that love was present.
The second card is the action card, what I was going to do. This card was Time to Go and the picture was an angel with a torch moving forward over the ocean. This truly resonated with me. This card represented endings so that new beginnings could emerge. We both got goosebumps given the changes I was already making. In order to really make this a reality, it was also time to go in terms of shedding beliefs about myself and others as well as shedding people, emotions and anything else not serving me anymore as I make room for the new.
The third card is the future card, what will unfold and occur. This card was focused on my inner child needing support. That inner child has a need to be needed and never feels good enough.
As we talked about my future and where I was, we both recognized that I needed to finally heal this huge wound, once and for all. This was at the forefront of my healing work as it would hold me back and limit me. I am ready to open up and let this go, and these cards validated that it was time, once and for all.
I then decided to start taking some action around this block, I knew I needed to find a way to let this one go. It was in the midst of being reinforced by a relationship and I couldn’t let it. I don’t want to be defined by this block anymore; I don’t want to define myself this way. This belief had a hold on me for so very long.
It was then I began my meditation practice with gusto. I have meditated in the past, not with any real regularity. I knew something had to change. I decided that the room I had painted lavender a few years back needed to finally become the yoga and meditation room I wanted. I set up an altar, the first I ever have done. I purchased an essential oil diffuser and some new himalayan salt candles along with some new crystals and downloaded a meditation app.
I began my practice at night only and sometimes in bed versus the room. I focused on relaxation and sleep. I wanted to get into a habit and new I finally had the time. I don’t have to get up at a certain time anymore and I don’t have to go to bed at a certain time any longer, this freedom allowed me to fit meditation into my life. I realize I could have done this long ago but I always made an excuse given how drained I was after a day of work and how early I made myself get up to go to work. I put that limitation on me and now I removed it. I found very quickly that I slept better each night, more soundly for much longer. I did not wake up as much and went to bed feeling better.
When I was in Florida for my melt down road trip, I decided to add morning meditation to my day. I sat on the lanai and using the app just set either 10 minutes of some music or used a guided meditation focused on breath. I couldn’t believe how much more centered I felt and how I could finally hear some of my inner voice and my guides.
As I gained confidence in my meditation I began to add different ones than just breath. I used loving kindness meditations, non-judgment meditations and mindfulness and presence. Wow! Just wow! Everything began to shift. I felt better. I felt calm. I felt centered. I felt confident. And I no longer felt as if I was doubting myself. I no longer felt like I wasn’t good enough. In fact, that confidence allowed me to make a different choice about my reaction to situations.
So that relationship that was beginning to push me toward self-doubt and “I’m not good enough” mentality was spiraling into a worse place as I was building this practice. The Suzy before this meditation practice would have internalized the other person’s behavior and said I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough for you. My ego and fear would have gotten the best of me. Instead, I am beginning to see that this individual’s behavior is about them not me. This person isn’t worthy of me. I deserve better than they are willing to give.
This is so big for me! This is the healing that I have worked on a number of times. The spiral of healing allows you to heal to a deeper truth and now I believe that I am worthy. It doesn’t have the hold on me it once did.
I know I deserve more than this person can give and it doesn’t make them bad, it just means I want more and I will wait for more. I will not fight for this the way I was, completely attached to the outcome I wanted and expected. Instead I will move forward in love, knowing that there is something better for me. And realizing that it is…
Time to Go!