I decided I was in the mood for some very mellow rock and roll and clicked on my mellow music playlist. The song that came on was Wasted Time by the Eagles.
How this Universe works simply amazes me! I am at that point where I am beginning to truly understand that no time is wasted. That each low point of my life, each failed relationship, each misstep I may have made was not a mistake or a waste of my time. Each low point helped me shed my shell, redefine me and my path, open my heart and ultimately fill me with self- love. That was what was lacking and that was the lesson I needed to learn. There have been times in my life where not only have I been hard on myself, but I have loathed me, even pitied me at times. I sabotaged myself often, whether it was in a relationship where I tended to force something that probably wasn’t there or in being committed to being healthy; Can you say roller coaster ride!?
In the 1990’s I was friendly with a group of musicians. They really wanted to make it in the business. They self- published a few albums and my friends and I would go see them play whenever we could. I remember hearing a new song, “She Fell in Love” and thinking “that could be me!” The chorus stated, “she fell in love, with no one to fall on.” Wow did that define me! There were points in my life when I was in such “love” and nobody was returning that love. They didn’t even know that I loved them, they thought we were good friends. Most times they were unavailable for anything more than a friendship. Sometimes we were friends with benefits which always made it worse for me. Sex was how I defined love for me, or felt loved for a long time. I used sex as a way to feel connected to someone.
It has taken a very long time for me to understand that sex and love were not the same and that I needed to love me for someone else to love me. Sex was a tool for me to feel loved, to feel worthy.
I found a quote recently that speaks to this and to me.
“Never get your sense of worth from outside yourself.
Don’t let other people tell you how much you’re worth.
It’s called self- worth not other’s worth.”
(by Luminita Saviuc)
This quote is one I need to repeat over and over again as that lesson continues to be learned for me. I have criticized me for years. Never good enough, never perfect, never smart enough, never pretty enough, never thin enough. I compared myself to everyone and never lived up to my expectations or what I thought they were. Who the heck is they anyway!?
All of my low moments were teachable moments. The student wasn’t always ready however. That is why the lesson is taught more than once. It has taken me a very long time to begin to understand that I am worthy. I am worthy of my own love and affection. We should all be confident in who we are and stop comparing ourselves to others. We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. Accept who you are, learn and grow in your own awareness and truly love who you are. Once I accepted me for me, I began to truly love me. I accept me the way I accept others. I should not harp on my weaknesses but revel in my strengths and beauty! That is what self-love is and that is what I strive to do for me today.
These lessons of the past have never really been wasted time. My failed attempts at loving others were the universe’s way of reminding me that without self- love, others’ cannot see me for me, they cannot love me for me. And that really is all any of us truly want. To be loved for who we are, warts and all. To have someone love our heart and soul, not just our looks, or our money, that really is all we want, it is all I ever wanted.
The most deserving person for your own love is you.