It is a purple cast! I needed my favorite color so I could smile through the pain and complete inconvenience of this accident! As I shared last week, there are some lessons here, and some messages coming at me. There are a lot of thoughts filling my head. Some focused on myself, the stupidity of using my hand and wrist to break my fall; the failures in life that created my aloneness; the friendships that I thought and felt were real that are not and my part in those; the weakness I feel when I need to ask for help. These are the thoughts that catch up with me at times and cause me to question the strength I thought I had. These are the thoughts that create my inner victim and make me question how weak I am as a person. They came front and center until I started to focus on what I could do, on the positives of this break.
The weak one isn’t who I want to be. I needed to change my thoughts in order to change my feelings. I needed to stop being a victim and recognize that asking for help was not a weakness but a show of strength, of character. I needed to stop expecting and just ask.
As I changed the thought pattern a bit I began to realize that week 1 was filled with trying things, thinking about creative ways to open, rip, fold, eat, sleep, drive, dress, etc. It was filled with people checking in, coming to my house to do, picking things up at stores, fitting me into busy days, and all around taking care of me. It was filled with some lessons in understanding being fully able versus differently abled. It was filled with lessons of kindness from people who saw me struggle with something and jumping to help, people volunteering to wrap gifts, take my 75 pound dog to the groomer and anything else that came up.
Week 1 was also filled with disappointments in myself, a lot of time to reflect and think versus do, and disappointments in some who I thought would show up, even emotionally. I own all of that, I know having any expectations causes disappointments, and I unfairly had expectations, of me and others. I know it is a hectic time of year. I know I may not have showed up for others, so why should they. I know I say I don’t need help. I know some who I had hoped would be there for me, don’t feel the friendship the same as I do today. I still created a false expectation that appeared real!
But the time I have helped me to reflect on it all and realize my expectations are mine. The disappointments are mine. The fear of aloneness are mine. These are the things I bring to week 2. Removing expectations and recognizing when I create them are part of my lesson for week 2. Oh hell, thats probably the big lesson of 2019. By coming from the place of false expectations appearing real, I am coming from a place of fear. Flipping this to come from a place if love, let’s oust varying expectations!!
This is the mantra for now, let’s oust varying expectations so all is in love not fear. No weak one here, but week 1 is in the books!!