Wings to fly…

I host a Super Bowl party each year. Generally my closest friends and some of their children show up and we eat and drink. A lot! There is never a shortage of food or alcohol and we critique and watch the game and commercials. When the Giants are in it we are much more serious about the game.

We have our “boxes” and we are all in the box pool that is about money, pretty good money at that and we have had someone win either quarters or end of game almost each year. The money boxes include people beyond who is at my house. At my house we have our own box pool where I buy lottery scratch offs and give them out each quarter and at the half. It adds a bit of drama and excitement. This year people won some money with the scratch offs, $5 and $10!

So last night I went to grab the scratch offs for the person who won the end of the game as I would see him today and didn’t want to forget his tickets. As I took them from the magnet on the side of the refrigerator, another paper fell to the floor. It was a page from Louise Hay’s desk calendar from a year or two ago, specifically Monday February 17 and it said “Empowerment is teaching myself to fly….and I know my wings are strong!”

I didn’t always know my wings were strong. There were times in my life when I thought my wings were cut, or broken. I couldn’t fly. I couldn’t be me. I got made fun of being me, by my friends and by my family. I was too sensitive. I was too emotional. I did things from the heart that others thought were ridiculous.

I remember once I wanted to truly celebrate Passover with my entire family. My family is a mixed group of backgrounds. My mom is Jewish and my dad Italian-Catholic. We weren’t raised religiously but learned a lot about each religion. My brother’s both married Catholic women so their children were raised Catholic although they all had an appreciation for my mom’s religion and would loosely celebrate Hanukah and Passover.

One year I wanted to have a large family Seder. It was important to me and everyone came to my parents’ home for the feast. I had Haggadah’s, so we could read the Passover Seder and be together as a family for my mom’s holiday. I was picked on and joked about by both of my brothers much of the time. Of course you must have thick skin and a good sense of humor to be part of my family, but my skin was never very thick, especially that day. I made it through but it sat with me for quite a while. I was hurt that I was made fun of for trying to help my nieces and nephews better understand my mother’s religion and enjoy something different all together. Obviously it hurt more than I ever let on, as I can still remember certain moments perfectly and the tears are welling up in my eyes as I write.

I felt weak and not appreciated during this time. I never said anything, I buried it and allowed it to bother me. And I never broached the subject of a family Seder again. I didn’t feel empowered, I felt self conscious and belittled. I know that wasn’t the intent, but most of my family really doesn’t understand me deeply or for that matter want to. Again, I was always viewed as sensitive and emotional instead of feeling things deeply, from the heart.

A friend of mine once told me that I have always done things from the heart and that anyone who knows me knows my intention is never to hurt. She knew me best at 15 and 16 years of age. So I have always been someone who feels deeply, is heart based, and therefore gets hurt more easily. I also forgive more easily.

But for so long, I tried to be different. I tried not to show how sensitive I was. I did not let people know just how hurt I was. I didn’t feel empowered to be me. I didn’t talk about being heart centered, or intuitive, or hurt. This quote speaks to me in that way. To be empowered for me is to be me. To be a heart based empath who feels things very deeply. I am sensitive. That is who I am and I no longer need to hide that, to minimize that part of me. I allow that person to come out and I don’t apologize for me anymore.

I am empowered. My wings are strong. I can be me and if someone doesn’t like me, or Is uncomfortable so be it. If my family wants to make fun, go ahead. I live in alignment now and my wings will take me wherever I need or want to be. I do get hurt. A lot. But now I think about the hurt, assume the intent wasn’t to hurt me and realize that a lot of it just other’s ignorance. And I move on.

I have taught myself to fly and I trust that my wings will take me where I want to go!