You should be your best friend. It took me a very long time to truly understand that I needed to love me, accept me and even celebrate me if I really wanted someone else to love me, accept me and celebrate me. Love is something that has eluded me. I mean love without expecting anything in return. I mean loving me through good, bad, and ugly.
I’m loved by some very close friends. I’m loved by some family. But there are many who have said they love me but their actions never really show it. They expect things in return. Some have only loved what they thought I could do for them. I remember vividly a man who I thought truly loved me and had my back, as a friend, who I loaned some money to. Once I did that, he no longer really needed me, wanted to spend time with me and ultimately never actually paid me back. He got out of me and the relationship exactly what he wanted. There really was never love there. somehow I didn’t see it. I was blind.
I guess I have been blind for much of my life. I have always given others the benefit of the doubt. All they had to do was throw me a little bone, one comment about caring, one dinner, one night out, and I ran with it. I probably still do at times. I have seen a quote a lot lately that speaks to people making time for you versus fitting you into their time when they can. I have been the one people fit in versus make time for. That has become clearer to me over the last year.
I have an old friend who constantly tells me how busy they are, how they are trying to find time for us to get together. Do they not know that I see the night out on Facebook? Do they think that the posts of them with mutual friends are missed? I get that I’m not important, don’t insult me further. Don’t tell someone you want to see them, spend time with them if you really have no intention to do so.
I have someone in my life now who, at times, really shows me they care and love me for me. But making time for me is a different story. They make time for everyone else around them, but tell me I know them best, they show me the real person. I’m beginning to lose faith in that. I’m beginning to wonder what it is about me that keeps me from being loved, from being important to someone.
As I said in the beginning of this, I know I need to love me before anyone else can. And I guess that has been a biggie for me. It has taken me a long time to actually embrace me, all of me. I remember a conversation with a young cousin of mine a few years ago. She was just shy of 30 and had been through a lot. She said , “it took me 28 years to figure out my worth.” I responded, “that’s great, it took me 50 and sometimes I’m still not sure I’m worthy!” Now I know that is a big reason why love eludes me, acceptance and embracing me elude me, I still at times question my worthiness. I work at this daily.
This week I am away enjoying a vacation in Aruba. I spent the first 2 days alone, with my friends, a couple married 30 years, joining me for 5 days. The first two days were interesting given this isn’t a place too many people come alone. Everyone I met seemed to be part of a couple. As much as I love my friends, and how much fun we have, it isn’t lost on me that I am really here alone. When push comes to shove I am alone. I have gotten more comfortable alone and at times enjoy it, but boy do I want what has eluded me. Someone whose first thought in the morning is me, who makes time for me. Who embraces me, all of me.
My focus for the next few weeks will be on me. Reminding myself that I am an incredible person, worthy of time, attention, acceptance and love. And that those who say one thing but do something else should not get all of my time and attention. Make time for me, don’t tell me you are busy or trying to find time for me. I’m worth more than that. It may have taken me 54 years to get here, but I’m here now.